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Post by Momo on Jun 3, 2016 16:20:30 GMT
Here's an editing/revision/critique/fact-checking thread for the upcoming scene of Act 8. Quirks will be done last, though they exist in this text inconsistently. Keep an eye out for characterization, speech patterns, is it interesting to read, is it fun to read, does it make you want to keep reading more, etc. When we're done, we'll pass it on to be quirked/coded and it's ready to go up over the next week or so. ACT 8 ACT 2 PART 1
Premise;
Lord English has vanished or fled in what appears to be a result of the use of time powers. The furthest ring crumbles towards the black hole. Vriska will leave using the turn tables, and Porrim will lead Tavros and the other ghosts to a moment in the furthest ring’s space time that will survive for a while longer. Davepeta remains to investigate the juju.
[Vriska, from the back, looking at black hole/where lord english once stood]
That... was it?
He's gone? He's dead?
He HAS to be dead.
We planned this PERFECTLY.
[Vriska standing in the sands as the void shakes and crumbles around her, ominous red lighting and everything. She is smiling.]
……
…Yeah! That's gotta be it!
HA-HA! Take that, you big green DOOFUS.
Not so invincible now, are you? Totally and ubiquitously vanquished! Gone for good! Enjoy not existing for the rest of forever you GIANT LOSER.
[still smiling]
…
[Vriska’s smile falls flat, or she grabs her head/otherwise emotes frustration.]
...NO!!!!!!!!
NO, THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
[view of her with treasure juju in the background]
We HAD him!
He can't just DISAPPEAR.
Why couldn't he do us all a favor and explicitly and irrefutably DIE already?
This was supposed to 8e IT!
[Vriska turns to the juju, or we just see her jiggling the knob of the appeared door]
Helloooooooo, secret weapon! You were supposed to KILL HIM!!!!!!!!
COME ON, I KNOW YOU’RE HOLDING OUT ON ME!!!!!!!!
[Vriska banging on the door]
OPEN UP! SPARKLE! TURN INTO A COOL SWORD OR SOMETHING! YOUR DEFINITIVE PURPOSE IS TO WIPE THIS HULKING GREEN SKULL MONSTER THE FUCK OUT WITH ALL POSSIBLE GUSTO NOW AND FOR ETERNITY! YOU CAN’T JUST SIT THERE!!!!!!!!
[We zoom out to see Tavros from behind, watching her try to beat down the juju door. Reality is still totally shattering and stuff. Etc. A tone between ‘the whole world is ending’ and ‘comical hysteria’
Problem; do i show davesprite here or not]
Tavros: …
[Same shot, vriska’s tantrum continuing. Tavros hears a voice, and looks over his shoulder. In the background, Vriska vanishes via the turnables.]
Porrim: Hey.
Tavros: hUH,
[Tavros turns to face her.]
Tavros: oH, HI THERE,
T: uM, WHOEVER YOU ARE, THAT I'M NOT TOO FAMILIAR WITH, SPECIFICALLY
T: sORRY IF I'VE FORGOTTEN YOUR NAME, THAT IS A THING THAT IS NOT INTENTIONAL, AND MORE OF A THING THAT JUST HAPPENS WHEN, THERE ARE ALL OF THESE GHOSTS AROUND,
Porrim: Po+rrim.
T: oH, THANKS,
T: i'M TAVROS,
P: Yes, I kno+w.
P: There's no+t much time for intro+ductions.
P: We have to leave this area o+f the furthest ring.
P: And we’d really better do+ it quickly.
T: oh, yeah, that makes sense, with what's happening, I think.
P: if you come with me, the others are likely to follow your example.
P: So+ I figured i’d save myself the time and come to you directly.
T: oH, SURE.
T: uM,
T: bY THE WAY, wAS YOUR HAIR, ALWAYS LIKE THAT,
P: ...
P: What an incredibly o+dd question to be asking right now.
T: sORRY,
P: No+, it’s fine.
P: But we really can’t stay fo+r any longer.
P: Not with existence crumbling aro+und us as we speak.
[Not sure if we bother dealing with davepeta or just have em do their thing at the end but if we do deal, here’s where it is.]
T: [turning to speak to a davepetasprite] Are you coming?
DP: nah
DP: there’s something i want to check first!
DP: you guys go on ahead
DP: im sure it’ll be fine.
T: uM, IF YOU SAY SO
P: *ahem*
T: sORRY, AGAIN
P: No+, it’s fine.
P: It’s no+t like anything super critical is happening at the mo+ment.
T: hEH, }:]
[tavros is following porrim through the shattering furthest ring, there are some far shots that show us the decamated landscape]
T: aRE WE ESCAPING, THOSE CRACKS IN THE SKY?
P: No+pe.
P: That would be exceptionally impossible.
P: We're fleeing to a moment in the furthest ring that the boundary of oblivion will approach at an imperceptible rate, to await the inevitable
T: I SEE, KIND OF,
T: wELL NOT REALLY THAT MUCH, BUT MAYBE, IN A ROUNDABOUT WAY,
T: wHICH IS TO SAY, NOT AT ALL,
P: It's no+t your fault.
P: I'm being vague about concepts that are abstract to begin with.
P: But I could try being a bit more specific as we walk, if you really want.
T: yES, PLEASE,
[More walking]
P: Alright.
P: Long ago I received visions from Skaia, along with cryptic messages of guidance from my denizen.
P: Many of those visions and clues didn't make any sense until the context of this moment.
P: In fact, I'd even dismissed them as trivial details. But now, I'm keenly aware of what it was she expected me to do.
T: wHICH IS,,,
P: To claim the stage where the end will play out.
T: iS THAT A METAPHOR, OR, A REAL THING, THAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT,
P: Both, I think.
P: The furthest ring is comprised of extremely difficult geometry.
P: And the pocket of the green sun's destruction will peel away at the edges of these unknowable shapes until nothing remains, an acropetal boundary approaching the peripheral center.
P: For all intents and purposes, this is an event that has already happened.
P: But in some places, it is an event so far away as to never happen at all.
P: Not like that changes anything, this whole place is still entirely doomed.
P: Does that make sense?
T: nOT, AT ALL,
P: That's alright, it doesn't have to.
T: oKAY,
[New Panel, more walk, closer this time]
T: dO YOU KNOW, WHAT HAPPENED TO LORD ENGLISH?
P: I'm afraid no+t.
T: hE'S NOT GOING TO JUST, REAPPEAR SOMEWHERE, IS HE?
P: I do+n't think so.
P: Unleashing the treasure juju was definitely significant.
P: That much I'm sure o+f.
P: But beyo+nd that, I can o+nly guess.
T: hMMM,
T: sO, WE PROBABLY DEFINITELY WON THEN, RIGHT?
P: “Probably definitely” is as go+o+d as true with lack o+f co+ntrary evidence.
T: oH MAN, AWESOME.
T: it WAS, A REALLY COOL THING, THAT I WAS PROUD TO DO, AND BE A PART OF,
T: aND I DO THINK WE SHOWED HIM, A THING OR TWO, NO MATTER WHAT ELSE IT WAS THAT WAS GOING ON,
T: sO AT LEAST, WE HAVE THAT,
P: Heh.
T: ?
P: It's no+thing.
P: Yo+u just so+und like so+mebody I kno+w.
[Porrim and tavros arrive at a destination that looks basically the same as the desert where they were, except the ominous red destruction is far away on the horizon.)
P: Alright. This is it.
[Tavros looks towards the horizon again; the destruction is very evident and encroaching]
T: it doesn't seem like, we’ve gone that far,
P: Distance and chronology are non-linear factors in the furthest ring.
P: Especially now, where the curves of its typical geometry are being segmented by the green sun's destruction.
P: Events that will take place, have taken place, and have yet to take place might be perceived in any order in space time.
P: In truth, it’s more accurate to say they all exist simultaneously.
P: If you know where to stand.
P: That kind of navigation would be difficult if not impossible for anyone but the most astute of space or light players, I think.
P: And even more difficult now when so much of it is vanishing beyond the event horizon.
P: But if we stay still, from our perspective, the unavoidable outcome will remain very far away indeed.
T: oh, um, that's cool,
T: and what, are we going to do here?
P: I'm not sure you and I do anything specifically.
P: But because of Echidna's involvement, I can only assume our presence here is somehow important to the creation of further universes.
[we zoom in towards the destruction; tavros and porrim are now off-frame]
T: so I guess that means, we'll have to wait and see?
P: Yes.
[we see the treasure juju sitting on its last fragment of spacetime. Davepeta lingers before it]
P: I suppose we will.
[davepeta’s face as they look towards the juju]
[we see the juju with a flickering time symbol; davepeta is facing the back of dave’s square.]
[They place their hand on it.] |
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Post by Momo on Jun 3, 2016 22:15:02 GMT
Just a note that i have to start thumbnailing this tonight, so if you want any feedback to be reflected in the visual aspect of this scene, get it in riiiight away.
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Post by ashenafterglow on Jun 3, 2016 22:37:25 GMT
I would avoid using 'definitive' more than once in this sequence. Right now it's coming from both Vriska and Porrim.
Typo from Porrim: "edges of these uknowable", and I'm questioning the use of acropetal to describe movement in a spatial geometry that doesn't really have an 'apex', so to speak. In "so far away as to be as good as"--three 'as' in rapid succession throws my read off-balance, even if it's grammatically correct.
I don't have a good feel for Porrim's voice at all so I can't really speak to whether she sounds in-character or not. She sounds very matter-of-fact, distant, and a lot like alt-Calliope, here. I'm assuming the reason for Tavros to ask about her hair will become evident in the actual visual panels? I also can't guess who she thinks he sounds like, but I don't really have a good ear for the Beforans in general.
Tavros's 'probably definitely' and 'i see, kind of, well not really that much, but maybe' lines are very him, those are great. He doesn't actually use question marks at all, but this hasn't been fully quirked yet so I presume that will probably definitely change. The one thing I do question about Tavros is that he would forget any of the names of the people he personally gathered into the ghost army with the power of friendship, but I guess canon jossed me there with gcatavsprite's 'Jape', admittedly under Vriska's direct Thief influence and with a guy he'd only met a short time before.
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Post by Momo on Jun 3, 2016 22:52:20 GMT
I'm pretty confident about the term acropetal boundary, but thanks for everything else. I'll make some changes to the main post soon. And yeah, as for Porrim, I tried to write her like a standard caps kanaya bc that's as close as I can get to remembering. I'm pretty good at holding a lot of people in my brain, but not that many.
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Post by inujuju on Jun 4, 2016 4:54:15 GMT
Hey Momo~ Here are a few things of comment. I'll break down the parts and then have a mini summary of if I think it's fun to read/interesting. [Vriska, from the back, looking at black hole/where lord english once stood]I'm curious to know if we see Lord English actually vanish or not. While you've probably started thumbnailing, I'd like to suggest that the "black hole" is in the shape of Lord English just to help readers understand when this is exactly, just a nice visual clarification that it's Lord English that has vanished as at first I was personally confused why Vriska said he was dead only to say he disappeared (it's been a while since I've seen the act 7 flash, something I feel will be common with some of our readers). Also, it would be kinda funny... Not so invincible now, are you? Totally and ubiquitously vanquished! Gone for good! Enjoy not existing for the rest of forever you GIANT LOSER.
Personally, I'm not to sold on the idea of Vriska using ubiquitously. It feels like it's a bit to much of an academic word? Why can’t he do us all a favor and explicitly and irrefutably DIE already?As we're going into a rant off with lots of long sentences, I found this line tedious to read. The repetitive "and"'s feels awkward. I'd suggest either cutting explicitly or irrefutably, changing the first "and" to "by", or simply reworking the whole sentence. [Vriska turns to the juju, or we just see her jiggling the knob of the appeared door]I'd suggest the jiggling, as it would be a nice visual difference from the past few pages. Helloooooooo, secret weapon! You were supposed to KILL HIM!!!!!!!!I'd like to see an addition about how it either wasn't supposed to just sit there, or how it wasn't supposed to let him get away. Just as a means to let the readers know what Vriska herself saw. COME THE FUCK ON!!!!!!!! OPEN UP! SPARKLE! TURN INTO A COOL SWORD OR SOMETHING! YOUR DEFINITIVE PURPOSE IS TO WIPE THIS HULKING GREEN SKULL MONSTER THE FUCK OUT WITH ALL EFFECTIBLE GUSTO NOW AND FOR ETERNITY! YOU CAN’T JUST SIT THERE!!!!!!!!For the run on sentence, I found reading the "WIPE THIS HULKING GREEN SKULL MONSTER THE FUCK OUT WITH ALL EFFECTIBLE GUST NOW AND FOR ETERNITY" part to be hard to read (I kept tripping up at that part). I believe it's a result of "THE FUCK OUT" part. I think moving the fuck earlier "IS TO WIPE THIS FUCKING GREEN SKULL MONSTER OUT..." or later "WIPE THIS HULKING GREEN SKULL MONSTER OUT WITH FUCKING EFFECTIBLE GUSTO...". Also, I find the sentence is stronger if we cut "AND FOR ETERNITY". The "NOW!" sounds a stronger and more definitive in my opinion. Problem; do i show davesprite here or notIf it's a decent zoom out I think it'd be a good idea so we can see all the other "key players" to this scene. However, it's a fairly close zoom in (Tavros' body barely fits in the shot or closer) than I'd say no as Davesprite would be to close. (Also do you mean davepetasprite?*) [Not sure if we bother dealing with davepeta or just have em do their thing at the end but if we do deal, here’s where it is. They reunite with tav super dramatically later so it would kind of drain the intensity outta that scene if we did stuff with em now))*If you were talking about davepetasprite earlier, and if the shot is far enough that we can see the sprite in that shot, I'd say cut it. The visual lack of Davepetasprite would give the reader a hint that they're gone/missing/etc. giving a small sense of suspense when the sprite pops up again. If the above is not true, then I'm 50-50 on having the part. It's rather clever and Porrim is great here, so it'd be nice to keep for her, but I don't feel it does much for the other two. T: uM, WHOEVER YOU ARE, THAT I'M NOT TOO FAMILIAR WITH, SPECIFICALLY
T: sORRY IF I'VE FORGOTTEN YOUR NAME, THAT IS A THING THAT IS NOT INTENTIONAL, AND MORE OF A THING THAT JUST HAPPENS WHEN, THERE ARE ALL OF THESE GHOSTS AROUND,I'm not sure if it's in Tavros' nature or not, but it would be fun to see him try to guess Porrim's name and mess up a lot before Porrim just politely/coldly interupts with her name. It would set up their dynamic a little better, even more so if Tavros replies with something akin to "okay [insert name that's still not Porrim]" just as a fun joke. This would also be a nice lead into "P: There's no+t much time for intro+ductions.", seeing as how they've wasted time with introductions already. T: aRE WE ESCAPING, THOSE CRACKS IN THE SKY?A part of me keeps trying to read this as "T: aRE WE ESCAPING THROUGH THOSE CRACKS IN THE SKY?" [More walking]I like this whole portion, as it's so vague and abstract yet intriguing. One side note I had was why Tavros didn't say anything to Vriska before leaving. Last I remember he was awkwardly letting her lead? Alright overall summary time! I enjoyed this part. There was a nice pace between the panic/angry Vriska and the much more level-headed, let's do something sorta, Porrim. The ending with Davepeta was A++, making me hooked and excited to see what they do! The lingering act of the ghosts is also kind of appropriate and Porrim's words makes me curious as to what's happening. It did feel like Porrim's "wiser-than-thou" speal felt a bit long the first few read throughs, but I came to enjoy the information, and with actual page breaks I think it'll work out. So yeah, great job Momo  |
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Post by Momo on Jun 4, 2016 16:25:55 GMT
Alright guys, made some more edits before I head off today, and now it's in a position where I think I'd survive if we had to put it up as is. But let me know if there's anything that still stands out.
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Post by bluebird on Jun 5, 2016 11:40:02 GMT
Overall I love this, but "with all effectible gusto" reads awkwardly to me, partly because effectible is not a dictionary word. Phrase could be omitted entirely, or maybe replaced... "with extreme prejudice" is overused but might work. You could also go with something more whimsical, say, "like a janiterrorist aggressively wielding a sponge" though that really comes across as more Karkat, doesn't it?
"Why couldn't he do us all a favor and explicitly, irrefutably DIE already?" may flow better.
I can imagine Porrim being just a hair more dismissive of this question, like...
T: bY THE WAY, wAS YOUR HAIR, ALWAYS LIKE THAT,
P: ...
P: What an incredibly o+dd question to be asking right now.
T: sORRY,
P: No+, it’s fine.
P: But we really can’t stay fo+r any longer.
P: Not with existence crumbling aro+und us as we speak.
I'd probably just go with "quite impossible".
I would omit the "really" in the first sentence, and change "wanted" to "want".
"for all extensive purposes" is awkward phrasing. Maybe "from a broad/cosmic perspective" or similar?
"Does that make sense?" would suffice.
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Post by Momo on Jun 5, 2016 16:22:15 GMT
ty blue! I made some changes that were sorely due. I kept some things but overall i think it's much better now.
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Post by bluebird on Jun 11, 2016 1:25:07 GMT
(Pesterlog Formatting in Progress)
Notes on how to do the thing:
[$spoiler open="Open Pesterlog" close="Close Pesterlog"]TEXT GOES HERE[$/spoiler]
Remove the $ signs!
code must be nested like so:
[$pesterlog code]
[$left]
[$Color code]
TEXT HERE
[$/Color code]
[$/left]
[$/pesterlog code]
Vriska #005682
Tavros #a15000
Porrim #008141
(handle color #4ac925) DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < (text color #f2a400)TEXT
... Actually, trying to do this on a forum is way harder than working with a text document. Switching to doing it that way.
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